if i can run in heels then i can drive
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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