I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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