Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
