I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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