hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
It's official drugs can't kill me
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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