For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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