eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i was born a porn star she said
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
