I murdered the dance floor call the cops
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
