I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
