look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
