Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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