It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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