Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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