i'm signing you up for texting rehab
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
