in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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