My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
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I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
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Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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