need another drink. this is the easiest way
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
