is your mom at the bar?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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