I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
