i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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