My balls are so social today.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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