Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
