I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Someone signed my nipple.
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