FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
