My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
