the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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