remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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