Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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