pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
