I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
