Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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