it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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