living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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