Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
