i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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