why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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