you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor