New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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