During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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