Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
