his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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