it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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