Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
