the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
