he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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