did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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