1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
