I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
