apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
