forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
