People with herpes should wear stickers.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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