She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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