Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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