think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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